A treasure trove of PRACTICAL positive parenting tips for parents of 2-6 year-olds. One of my favorite parenting books - perfect for the harried, sleep-deprived parent. See this handout for teachers and day care providers for a taste of their approach.

Terrible title in this age of anxious parenting, but it's really a lovely encyclopedia of practical positive parenting tools for specific issues from A to Z.

A classic on communicating and connecting with your kids.

LOVED this book. Play is such a central occupation for kids - it's how they explore and express their feelings, and maintain connection with others. If you struggle with having time and energy to play, if your child is "stuck" in a certain pattern of play or behavior, if your child feels isolated and unable to connect meaningfully, or if you just want some lovely illustrations of how and why to connect through PLAY, this book is for you.

I've found that orphanage-raised or otherwise neglected kids have significant "play defiencies", and show patterns of isolated, immature, repetitive play. This playful approach can help you connect with them, and bring them out of that lonely, powerless place. The book website has some excerpts and articles by the author.

One of my favorite "positive parenting" books. Get through the "3 types of families" (which is a bit overstated, for me) and you'll find a rich, realistic, humorous parenting foundation.

A classic parenting book on "Emotion Coaching" by a local researcher in the field of emotional intelligence and relationships. Cliff's Notes/preview version available in this Talaris Spotlight article, too.

The Gottmans actually got their start in evidence-based relationship counseling. This book is a lovely synthesis of their "what makes relationships work?" research and their later focus on helping new parents maintain healthy relationships. Highly recommended for new parents, adoptive or otherwise.

This short booklet is "a concise explanation of why children's behavior goes 'off track,' and how to set a limit that brings you and your child back into close communication and cooperation again. This booklet gives parents and other caregivers the information they need to distinguish when a limit needs to be set, and guidelines that help us set limits with love and respect."

My favorite resource from this author is actually her "Listening to Children" series of booklets, available for $12 at the Hand in Hand website, where it's also available in CD format. The six booklets include: Special Time, Playlistening, Crying, Tantrums and Indignation, Healing Children's Fears, and Reaching For Your Angry Child.

All are excellent, and the last two are especially effective and important with traumatized kids. The one offkey note in these booklets, for me, is the focus on "birth trauma". In many adoption situations, there are plenty of more recent, more prominent traumas ... and I think this "Listening to Children" approach is an important way to heal. It's also one of the most concise, practical approaches to "Positive Parenting" that I've come across. Get these booklets - you can read them in 1 or 2 evenings, and while some of these truths may seem self-evident, we all-too-often neglect to practice what we know to be true.

My favorite book for parenting, and yes, transforming, children who are difficult to parent - intense, needy, having difficulty regulating their energy and behavior, "ADHD-ish", with negative self-image, acting out to get attention, and so on. Sound like any older adoptees you know and love? It's also a fabulous positive parenting approach for "easier" kids. If you want a sample, check their website; I've posted the first 2 chapters on our site as well. Glasser's belief is that normal parenting and teaching methods are designed for the "average child", and that the harder normal methods are applied to difficult children, the worse the situation can get, despite the best of intentions.

I really think this approach has arrived at a simple, but essential truth about parenting ANY child - we need to reverse our typical, inadvertent pattern of paying more attention to misbehavior than to good behavior. Instead of making a big deal over negativity ("why water the weeds?"), make a big fuss over the good stuff. Their Nurtured Heart approach has 3 basic aspects:

- Super-energizing experiences of success ...
- While refusing to energize or accidentally reward negativity ...
- And still providing an ideal level of limit-setting and consequences

This approach helps therapeutically shift intense children to using their intensity in wonderful ways, and creates a world of first-hand experiences of prosocial behavior: "Here you are being successful ..." This is more than "catching kids being good", it's about having powerful ways to make any moment an opportunity to create success, by finding the good in what IS happening, but also in what ISN'T happening.

Do I love this approach? Yes indeed. You're very likely to find something useful, if not transformative, in this resource. As for his take on medications, I find it to be provocative, but not as much in line with our experience. The "energy" that kids with significant ADHD or FAS have is not always a gift to be cherished, and medications can be invaluable, as part of a comprehensive plan like the Nurtured Heart approach and school accommodations. But it certainly would be reasonable to give this approach the old college try first.

This is a complete and expanded video version of The Nurtured Heart Approach from a filmed full-day presentation. Haven't seen the DVD, but I've been to the presentation, which is excellent. It includes all the video clips illustrating the “energizing success” and “limit setting” techniques and includes the “credit system” and “extending the system to other environments” footage.

Again, don't love the title, but it's a fun look at toddler development as it corresponds to human evolution, with an approach that will appeal to some, but not all (skip this book if easily embarrassed or self-conscious).

One of the main "natural consequences" books. You may or may not find this to be the cornerstone of your parenting approach, but you will find some useful tools here, and many of our families swear by this book.

Excellent, provocative book that examines the rise of "peer orientation" in our culture - the increase in dysfunctional attachments to peers rather than parents and other caring adults. This book has made me rethink timing and strategies around daycare and preschool entry. Nice to see a book that emphasizes healthy attachment and staying in relationship with school-age and teenage children. Also refreshing to see parenting advice that is focussed more on principles and general approach than behaviorist strategies ... feel free to skip to the "what to do about it" section. Parents of preschoolers and up will benefit - the older your kids, the more you'll wish you read this sooner. On the author's website, you can find the 1st chapter as a free sample.

I love this concept ... this is a lovely compilation of ideas for family rituals, from day-to-day transitions to weekly meals and annual events. These are the family times that build closeness and are remembered years later. On our arts camp for Russian orphans, we had so many rituals, from "Mime dinner" to Neptune's Day to camper-counselor switch night to bedtime tea. For newly adopted children, the sooner the better to create routines and eagerly anticipated rituals.

If you must use time-outs, this book outlines a practical approach. But ideally we wouldn't use them much, certainly not in a humilating or punitive manner - see other parenting books in this list. Time-outs were developed as an alternative to spanking (good), but will fail when overused, or in a family context where there isn't enough positive attention, meaningful connection, emotion coaching, and other nurturing parenting approaches.

Howard Glasser (Transforming the Difficult Child, above) does use time-outs, but they are typically very brief, neutral, and used in an ideal setting of reliable, energetic attention to positive behaviors. There are ways to discipline that maintain a closer connection, especially in traumatized kids. "Meetings on the couch", "time-ins", gentle holding "until your body is calmer", and other approaches will be a better choice for children with newer, less secure attachments. Just remember to put more attention and energy into your child's successes (however small), instead of the misbehaviors.

Many of the children in our clinic have birth parents who struggled with alcohol or drugs. Ongoing, developmentally appropriate guidance around this issue is important to reduce the risk of substance abuse. My colleagues in FAS clinic have recommended this book to help shape your ongoing family discussion.

As long as you're talking to your kids ... here's another potential area of vulnerability for fostered and adopted children. If your child has a history of sexual victimization, poor judgment, immature social skills, impulsivity, or indiscriminate friendliness, sex is another topic that deserves close attention. I hear nice things about this book - please let us know if you've found similar resources that you like better.

This is not a book anyone plans to need, but it's a crucial thing to get right. This is a solid and comprehensive approach. Counseling and support groups can also be invaluable.